You're #2 on my memory dial but #1 in my heart

Things get complicated. You think things are going to be so easy...that you don't see all the obstacles you're tripping over. Sometimes these obstacles come out of nowhere and sometimes they're right there in front of your face. If someone were to ask me if I thought I was a good person...I would have to say I'm not sure how to answer that...I've tried to be. Not always succeeding. The last 6 months have been a lifetime of a blur and I've made mistakes and I've tried to learn from them and keep moving. I would like to say that I've figured a lot of stuff out now about myself and life in general from the experience I've had...but I haven't. Underneath it all I'm still me, maybe just a little older and deeper in what? Debt? Yeah, but that's not what I was going to say...I'm deeper in doubt.

My life thus far has been quite interesting...but tomorrow I go to the clinic to pick up some results of tests I've put off taken for a long time. I would like to say that I'm going to be fine...but I really don't know...I definitely don't deserve to be fine. My first memory I can recall is one of extreme guilt and I guess guilt is what I'm feeling right now. Guilt and a faint pinch of regret. There are a lot of people I've loved, hated, used, and a few have just really let me down. I know there are people out there right now who feel the same way about me. I'm sorry. I'm sorry for not knowing how to just let things go and I'm sorry for sometimes having no self-control.

I apologize to my friends. I'm just exhausted and I'm sick. I don't understand why it's so hard sometimes to just be a man. It's all been a good show...I was born into a world where it hurts to breathe sometimes. I guess the word "understand" is what's troubling me...because I just don't seem to. I don't understand any of this...I don't understand me. I don't understand going from point A to point B. I doubt any of you really understand what I'm trying to say...that's ok...I don't need you to.

Why do we listen to music? Is it because sometimes it speaks to you? I'm listening to Peach, Plum, Pear for the 6th time today and I feel like she's speaking to me. Kind of like when people pick up a bible and say they truly understand for the first time.
She said..."you've changed some"

I've been dreaming of snakes and crocodiles that bite, I've been waking up with the taste of gunpowder in my mouth, but I don't remember you in my dreams, although I felt you there. I just want to wake up happy sometime and feeling like I actually had some kind of rest. It's mostly my fault...I've abused myself for a long time...but most of it are seeds that were sown when I was a very small boy. You learn two of the most horrible things in humanity are a tongue and hands. My self-esteem so shattered that any one could have me for a smile and some attention.

So how do you sleep at night? I panic when it gets to that point of dozing off and try to fight to stay awake. I don't even know why anymore...what does it matter. My captain is anxiety. I can pretend it's all getting better but it's so hard to sleep at night and it's so hard to interact with other people like a normal person. My boss said it looks like I'm going to cry all the time...funny...that's how I feel. I've tried to open myself up more and expose myself so maybe I can heal. Maybe I care too much.

I do care...as much as I don't show it...
The people I love know who they are...thanks for making me feel real sometimes...
Thanks for dealing with me
And thanks for caring about me too

My heart is a pump...