If you find the door locked do you learn to hate all doors

Cue REM, I will try not to breathe. Everyone Breathes right? I forget to sometimes and my body in response pulls in a lung full of air and it comes out as a sigh. The volume of the sigh is so loud that it peaks and distorts my train of thought. It's not my train of thought I was waiting on though, it was the Red Line to the Blue Line to the place where I keep my stuff. It's not a home because I don't feel comfortable there. It's just a point on the map that when in need I have a place where I can shut a door and be alone. And that is important at times. I no longer repeat the mantra of "wink wink nudge nudge," but I instead wish everyone happiness and safety as I drift off with legs crossed to find a center somewhere...a place where I don't forget the keys. As I repeat the mantra my body tingles as if in confirmation that I have had a genuine feeling. I still haven't learned though and I leave myself wide open most of the time. I do have some things that are mine and mine alone and as I float through thought I see that I'm on another couch.

:excerpt from a bit of writing I did at 2am this morning:

My bladder is constantly full and I fear for the safety of my erections. I’m not sure why my mind works in the way that it does but I feel confident that it is a reaction exclusive to me and that most people do not experience life in quite the same way that I do. In fact I’m sure the average person doesn’t even look in the mirror the same way I do. My mind plays tricks and it affects me over and over with the same people or places that my mind originally fucked me up with. I can handle it after a time but still my lack of self-control or ability to handle the most mundane of highs in this location is startling and dumbfounding. I’ve stared at a little fake dog named Mr. Coolie and felt an unusual longing to be a father. I left thinking for sure that I just unlocked the door but instead I find it locked on my return. Not so sure why I took all my stuff with me. I guess that would have been convenient. I needed a drink and a cool Gatorade was the ticket. I lay back on a strange bed in the cover of darkness and sleep pretends to not exist. As if it wasn’t something that I was required to do only a suggested daily supplement. As I lay in the darkness I think about my life and little flashes come and go of memory. Playing war on the school ground. My big orange cat Tom who was just that. I’ve lost my train of thought on this one I think I can let it go now. . I think I have forgotten how to communicate verbally. In the darkness there is always light reflecting off something but I’m not always sure of where it’s coming from. The VCR blinks the time signature while the DVD illuminates its own face. I can see another Mac sleeping in the darkness.

:end:

I'm making schemes and chasing new dreams and I only hope that I can focus long enough to make it a reality. It's a goal though and it's a good change. Not just the goal but my train of thought. And the song has changed and it's playing over the speakers in this little cafe where no one speaks my language, Cue U2, With or Without You.