some facts of life

"We can comprehend this world only by contesting it as a whole. . . . The root of the prevailing lack of imagination cannot be grasped unless one is able to imagine what is lacking, that is, what is missing, hidden, forbidden, and yet possible, in modern life."
—Situationist International

I had a dream yesterday that I was driving by the lake and all I could see was fish. Even above the water there were fish swimming in the air. I got out of the car and started to walk into the water when I felt something opening and hurting my feet and suddenly these holograms with Japanese animation started appearing.

I worked a show on Sunday that was a bunch of skinhead oi bands. Not fun in the least. The tension in the club was matched by the tension outside. I went outside to see a huge cloud of black smoke and all I could hear was firetrucks and sirens. A Dominicks was burning down while inside the club in the green room a drunk skinhead was taking a piss. This lead to verbal confrontation with said skinhead where I thought for sure he was going to hit me...but with a little help from his fellow skinheads we got him out the doors...his shitty tattoos matched his sloppy drunkeness.

I'm not a fan of people at the moment and I would be quite content to stay indoors and work on a few of my writing projects but I have a show tonight. I'm not in the mood...I don't want to fuck with it...but I have two weeks until the next one after this...makes it worse though that I have work at 9am today and 8am the next.

Next on the agenda...finding a new home.

The flow of images carries everything before it, and it is always someone else who controls this simplified digest of the perceptible world, who decides where the flow will lead, who programs the rhythm of what is shown into an endless series of arbitrary surprises that leaves no time for reflection . . . . isolating whatever is presented from its context, its past, its intentions and its consequences. . . . It is thus hardly surprising that children are now starting their education with an enthusiastic introduction to the Absolute Knowledge of computer language while becoming increasingly incapable of reading.

it's the same but the meaning keeps changing

My eyes burn as I type this feeling tired but not wanting to sleep quite yet. I worked a show tonight at the bottom lounge and it was slow...we play tomorrow at the bottom lounge and I've never been more nervous about a show.

I want to get rid of this horrible lead butterfly feeling in my stomach. I would vomit them out if that was a choice...

...I'm restless...

I wish I was truly capable of expressing everything that I felt. I wish I was capable of behaving like a normal human being at times. I wish I didn't feel so horribly alone.

Sound immature right...

don't let capitalism steal your culture and sell it back to you

One day they will have to admit that we reacted very politely

Sometimes you just feel like running...not looking back...leaving everything else behind and just saying no to any and all forms of responsiblility. It's strange how unsatisfying it can be once you've gotten what you thought you wanted. How many nails do I need to drive in and how hard do I need to hit them? I've been careless and somewhat wreckless in a pursuit of feeling I suppose. The threat of becoming automatic and routine hovers above me and I look up at times just to make sure it's still there...and it is. I've lost track of my mistakes and regrets and I know I'm self-centered and that the world slowly methodically revolves around me. But I keep trying to pick up signals to hear something new...something I can reflect...and things have shifted and changed around me...I thought I had too...but you learn no one really changes...they just think they do. Thanks Todd Solondz.

I hear that slow kick drum starting...a hum somewhere in the background...and voices played in reverse. I have that ache again in my right ear...a sore left knee...and a bruised ego. I feel backed into a corner and being the scorpion horse...I'll either sting myself...or trample everyone on my way out.

I am a cliche...I am nothing...and should be everything.

In the inevitable period of decomposition, those forms devised to transform the world turn in upon themselves and implode. The form , once world-historical, becomes its own subject. History stops; action is replaced by and endless series of repetitions.

this machine will not communicate

Jason and I just got back from making a late night run to Meijer in search of fake money. It was a long shot and the mission although accomplished...was still a failure. I spent most of my day today making skull stickers to attach to japanese flags and then Jason and I went to Fantasy Costumes and picked up some Bowlers for the band. So much I still would like to do...today is my last day of school...I plan on getting the rest of my shit done by next week. I have to make a cardboard Mayor Daley mask and a scale model of Chicago low-income housing as well as a scale model of Middle to upper class housing with Condo's and Starfucks...The Walt Daley dream city and pretty soon he'll get his no fly zone over Chicago just like Disneyland and Disneyworld.

Today while waiting on a bus on the corner of Western/Foster...and elderly gentleman pulled up in front of me and asked if I wanted a ride. I think his exact words were, "I'm going down to North Ave. I would enjoy the company if you need a ride." I said no thanks and he drove off...this is like the 3rd time something of this nature has happened to me. It's not like I look like a little boy or something. Maybe I've talked to the next Gacy.

I was told today by my acting teacher that he wanted me to work on my self confidence over the summer...he told me to go to parties and try to be the center of attention...try to make Lance bigger...he doesn't know me well. I am shy in class though...not sure why...plus I'm usually really tired and irritated.

Big show tonight at the Double Door...I can't wait until it's finally over and I can just relax...it will be fun.

My back is killing me and I'm extremely tired...so...exactly

Would you move if I were to push you

"'Nice' is the worst insult you could ever pay anybody. It means you are utterly without threat, without values. Nice is a cup of tea."
-John Lydon

Another late night.
I can hear movement throughout the house but I haven't seen anyone in hours. My final acting class is today in less than 9 hours and I have to say I'm glad to be done with it. I'm tired of trying to pretend like I care about it and so I'll repeat the memorized lines and say them with mock feeling. My heart just isn't in it.

I like to have conversations with people but I really don't like to listen.

It is now the first of June...I can't help but think back to a year ago and I can't believe how long it feels. This was not a year that flew by...it dragged. My 26th June...
I have a selective and short memory but every once in a while the trains make it to the station and I'm taken on a trip down memory lane of things I had forgot...and of things I wish to remain forgotten.

I'm anticipating the arrival of lightning bugs...and hoping this summer I'll make it out more...that I'll say fuck it and take those late night bike rides along the lake...find a place where the stars sneak through the glare of the city...and remember whiffle ball bats, canoe trips, campfires, skinny dipping in lake holiday, playing freeze tag in the park, slushyville run, the drive-in, hot and sticky sex, the smell of fireworks, tornados, car wash dryers with the windows down, downtown rooftops, amusement parks, road trips, outdoor concerts, and so much laughter. Times where all else is forgotten and you've found yourself completely in the moment...and you wish you could just stretch it out a little longer...keep it from becoming just another memory. There are people I miss so much it hurts but that memory isn't who they are anymore. We've all changed.

I hope to create that feeling once again this summer...a sense of impending danger and adventure...new friends...new experiences...and new memories.

It's just to bad nothing lasts.

Heat rises girl take a bow
hair clogging the drain
steam forming thoughts on the mirror
I had a dream of déjà vu